MY BLACK CLOUDS CAME...

Every time I feel lost, my immediate escape would be the "shopee" app. A week ago, I bought a non-mechanical keyboard that gives a mechanical feel, a budget speaker, and a phone stand, and also not forgetting my laptop stand. My goodness, it has changed my room's, desk's appearance. I can't deny how setting up my room according to my preference and liking changes my mood and makes me feel better. 😉

WHAT does it mean when I mentioned the word "lost"?

I have never really expressed how I feel to anyone whenever they ask me "are you okay" when I'm actually not OK except by writing them down in my diary. I am not here to victimize myself and point fingers at other people. I'm here, you can say to validate myself? But definitely not seeking attention. I don't know. 

It took me months to figure out and acknowledge what I went through was indeed depression as well as the anxiety that I am still experiencing to date. I have questioned myself many times for the countless tears I shed during those days. I still remember the K-drama I was watching and ended up failing miserably to distract my mind. I related myself to most of the scenes and sobbed like a baby.

Yes, my friend was there, one phone call away but it was not easy for me at that moment to open my heart. I wondered every day how will I be able to mend the situation that got me feeling stuck and lost, the situation that I believe was the trigger gun. Till today, I would willingly agree I'm partly accountable for the situation. Let's all agree on me being a victim of myself because I believe someone who is strong mentally and emotionally might have not lost faith in themself like I did. Well, I think so. I get emotional pretty quick that even the slightest thing can break my heart. I shall not ignore how this contributes to me overthinking too much. 

I still remember that night vividly. I was lying on the couch, tears rolling down my eyes, my heart beating out of my chest. My mind was messed up as hell popping tons of questions. What am I going to do? How will this end up? What massive wrong have I done to be punished like this? Will I be forgiven? Am I an awful child?...

The good news is, deep down in my heart, I knew I had to do something. There was a pinch of strength in me and a great deal of fear. I understood either it has to be me doing the job or nothing. How can I miss those events of me begging Him in front of the praying altar for a balance of mind and a successful outcome for whatever I intended to do to fix my life? I needed to do it for me, myself. 

I did it. I apologized to the particular person and things started getting better. Yet, the recovery process was not as simple as I thought. Till today, I tend to get anxious whenever I appear to feel things going south. I would start cracking my head on ways to bring back the peace immediately. 

Past is past and I am glad I healed. The black clouds are no more except the grey ones. It gets trickier to tackle these emotions after you have recognized them. HAHA...😏